I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Maths meets science
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold