I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*watches the world burn*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.