I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
only 11 steps left
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?