I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
This chloroform smells expensiv…
good for her
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.