i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills