I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit