I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…