I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?