I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
🛁
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The devil.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules