I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7