I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st