I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
omg leave her alone
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”