I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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I thought this was funny lol
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend