I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
AM I BEING GASLIT????
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet