I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
#Caturday
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..