Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

😜

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!