I hope Alan is OK
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman