I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!