I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
a god among men
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Kids: Stay in school.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I self medicate, therefore you live.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?