I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
You Might Also Like
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table