I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I love snow
– People who never shovel
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
never forget
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.