I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “