I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.