my one true gender
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
friend: you’re late
me, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.