@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

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@yoyoha

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

@mrjohndarby

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

@LoveNLunchmeat

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@clichedout

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.