I hope it’s French Onion!
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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
oh you wanna fight?!
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm