i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
accurate
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.