I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.