I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.