I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If looks could kill
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Lmao
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive