I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
yeet
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.