i hope my email finds you on fire
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
that wasn’t the question
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Lucky old June.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*