I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.