@kimtopher22

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

You Might Also Like

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@bingowings14

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

@Naked_Superman

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

@warhorse76

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@Jandalize

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.