@Peteypops13 I told my vodka about you.
@kimtopher22 I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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@Peteypops13 
@Adam_Kingsnorth Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
@panmidwest ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
@birbigs “You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
@bingowings14 Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
@caseytduncan My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
@Naked_Superman They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
@warhorse76 My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
@Cpin42 In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
@Jandalize As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.