I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.