I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Dietest Coke
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.