I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My dog learned how to text
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”