I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My five year plan is a meteorite