I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
damn he’s good
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*