I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
These are my roll models.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?