@House_Feminist

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

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@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@loribuckmajor

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

@sundaecone888

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.