I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
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i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
X-tra spooky blend
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Called it
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.