@FattMernandez

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

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@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

@Paulmay018

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

@

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

@Pundamentalism

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

@ilovepie84

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

@TheCatWhisprer

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”