@FattMernandez

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

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@SCbchbum

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

@QwertyJones3

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

@Awilhemscream

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

@PettyRuxpin83

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@Jenny4ashley

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

@PhuckinCody

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

@erichwithach

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

@Gupton68

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

@cnnbrk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.