I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.