I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”