I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment


You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.


There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.


I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.


I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.


5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?


Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.