I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You Might Also Like
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.