I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
You Might Also Like
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Jupiter
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.