i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Finally!
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.