I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no