I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶