I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
this is literally a CIA plant
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”