I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Thursday
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied