I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
#merica
![]()
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
![]()
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”