I hope this email finds you in a well
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?