“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
the short answer to this question
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year